HUMILITY

Yesterday, the priest talked about the real meaning of humility in light of the Gospel reading about the Pharisee and the tax collector. He said that the difference between a humble person and someone who pretends to be one is that the former knows how to pray, and when he prays, he begs forgiveness of the Father.

You know, if you read the Gospel reading again, you'll see that the Pharisee, though proud as he is, he was actually praying to God, but notice the difference between his prayer and that of the tax collector...

Pharisee's prayer:

`God, I thank thee that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week, I give tithes of all that I get.'

Tax collector's prayer:

`God, be merciful to me a sinner!'

The pharisee's prayer wasn't a real one. He was so proud that he was boasting of himself, not realizing that as he spoke to God, he was humiliating not the extortioners, the unjust, the adulterers nor the tax collector, but himself. He did not realize that the fact that he too was a sinner just like them, just like the rest of us and he couldn't admit it to himself, more especially to God...and that's the very reason why a proud person cannot really pray like that of a humble man. 

So today, as you pray before you sleep, be humble enough to admit all your wrongdoings and mistakes as I will too. There's a reason why it is customary to kneel when praying because the very act of praying is an act of humility. No proud person prays to God and ask for forgiveness or even for help because he thinks that he can do anything without the help of the Father. Therefore, as a sinner, I kneel down and bow my head before God and ask for the very same thing that the tax collector asked from God....His mercy.

One more thing our priest told us yesterday is that in times of trouble or tragedy, the very prayer that can easily be recalled yet in the same way, redemptive is...

`God, be merciful to me a sinner!'

"every one who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted"

Classes are what?!?!??!

i was supposed to post this yesterday when i got home, unfortunately, globe boradband's been acting up again...


Today I woke up at around 3:30, panicking because I need to be in school by 8 am for our Psychiatric Nursing enrichment classes (on our first week of sembreak, which sucks bigtime). I needed to wake up earlier because I was at home and not at my dorm (which is walking distance away from school), and rain was pouring (because signal #1 sa metro), so I presumed that it was going to be tough commuting back to school. Good thing my parents (as usual) drove us (Kat and I) to school this morning. We left at around 5:30 with German franks and Sky Flakes on hand. We had to eat on the way to school since matatraffic kami pag later than 5:30 pa kami umalis.

I got to school at around 6:10 (at ngayon ko lang narealize, woah ambilis!). Lied down for about 30 minutes (or so). Did #2 (if you know what i mean!). Then went back to lying down. At around 7:30, I decided to fix my hair and wash my face and brush my teeth (kasi kumain pa sa sasakyan) since may pasok pa rin. Quarter to 8, I was walking to school. 8:20, the proctor entered. By 9:30 ata, we had our break. Ate a hotdog and champorado. By 11 am, people were becoming restless (again), then people started making a fuss somewhere in front. SUspended na raw kasi yung class! So our president stood up and told the proctor. She asked if he could check and confeeeeerm at the office. By 12 noon, enrichment class was GONE BABY GONE!

I went home at 1pm. Slept through the whole bus ride going home. Jarred and slammed my head (potek kada gising ko feeling ko nakatingin yung katabi nung katabi ko sa bus kasi natutulog rin yung katabi ko eh) a couple of times by the bus window(!) before finally reaching ortigas extension....I'm HOME!

Busy and tiring day! Now I need to finish a LOT of stuff for our 1st thesis draft due the day after tomorrow. So there shall be no sleeping (again for me) tonight! God bless our souls!

when to say no...

             People always say that you'll never find true friends in college. I doubted that before, but now, I'm not so sure anymore. I used to be so trusting. Whenever I meet new people, and find them amusing or too kind, I would never think twice whether to befriend them or not; but things change, even my ability to trust people around me. 

          When we had our self awareness activity before we had our duty (or in my case, after our rotation) in NCMH, I admitted to my rlemates that I have trust issues, and in connection with that, I also am very paranoid. It's not that people don't give me a reason to trust them, it's just that most of the time, I find myself thinking that that "incident" (a.k.a. backstabbing) back in high school will happen again, and to think that that backstabber has been a friend of mine for years. I just want to be more careful by not trusting anyone too soon and too much. it's not like I can't be friends with people without having to give my full trust in them. They can't blame me because they haven't been through what I've been through and once that trust has already been broken, you cannot bring it back to the way it was before. Ika nga ng parokya ni edgar, parang tsokolate lang yan na kapag nasira at natunaw na, hindi mo na maibabalik sa dati.

             Aside from that, I also keep doubting my friends' loyalty and genuineness towards me. There are times when I really feel that they're really there for me, but somehow, I also feel that there are times that these people just need to use me (you know, being the one that can be taken for granted so easily) and to make fun of me. Again, they can't blame me for these thoughts I have against them since they are the ones who give me countless reasons to doubt the friendship that we share (and this is not simply just about the jokes... i've long accepted reality at hindi ako ganun kababaw).

             So how is my entry title connected to all of this? Simple. Aside from being paranoid and being miss-trust-no-one, I am also the passive type of person. At kapag sinabing passive, passive talaga. At the age of 20, you'd think that I should've become the assertive type, or the one with a strong personality, especially when majority of the people in my class are one or two years younger than me. But sadly, I remained as passive and as shy as I have been ever since I was young. Being the paranoid person that I am, I was thinking too deeply na naman kanina. It happens all the time, especially when I am left alone to rot, like tonight. Immersed in my deep and dark thoughts, naisip ko, why do I let people bully me all the time? It's not as if I enjoy it as much as they do. Somehow, I also get tired, even if "they" do not. Minsan pa, there are people who I don't feel like bullying me, kasi minsan iba silang mag joke. May mga tao rin naman na natutuwa rin ako pag jinojoke ako. So I thought, why would I let them keep on bullying me kung ayaw ko na? These people weren't even born when I was born (and this is not to be taken as a joke). Seriously though, sometimes, I just feel bad about the person I turned out to be. Minsan nakakadepress na I turned out to be other people's laughingstock and I permit them to. Pero minsan din naman, natutuwa rin ako and I don't deny that. Ayoko lang talagang forever na lang akong ganito. 

           Anyway, to cut this long entry short, I would just want to share one more little thing about me. I realized that I'm also the type of person who won't ever forget the BAD things that people do to me. So I am not so sure if forgiving without forgetting is counted as forgiving at all. Well, I already know the answer to that so why still ask? Anyhow, I am glad and relieved to finally let this one out. I needed that. Ipagdadasal ko na lang ang sarili ko at ang mga taong kasangkot dito. God bless us all! Good night!

life's a big paradox

One moment you're happy, then all of a sudden, something comes along and bursts that small bubble of happiness. Though the perfect reason and explanation i can think of for this is the need for balance (something good is balanced by something not so good), it might not be true for God and for some people who are 100% OPTIMIST. Shempre for them, when something bad comes their way, iisipin nila na it's probably just a way to test their faith in the Lord. Pero if you're like me, someone who worries, panics and seems to be tired all the time, iisipin mo na it's punishment for all the things you did or did not do. Good thing, Mara, one of my dearest college friends reminded me that God never punishes anyone. It's just a matter of interpreting all the things, good or bad in a positive way. So it got me thinking, "oonga noh?". One way or another, we all face our own problems everyday. Some people may seem to have none, when deep inside mas mabigat pa yung dinadala nilang problema, but they manage to remain as lighthearted, bubbly and happy even so. How on earth do they do that? SIMPLE, just have FAITH and everything will fall into place. 

It's simple yet It's tough, I know, another paradox right? and I know exactly how that one feels kasi I'm still there and doing my best to do just that. Everyday I try to keep a light mood and happy face 'coz no matter what, I know my problems will never go away. Echos na lang mga probs mo to the side noh. Until that day comes when I breathe my last breath, my problems will keep on coming. So ano pa bang gagawin ko diba? Magpakasaya ka na lang. 

From this day on (kasi if not now, kelan pa?) I'll try to be MORE positive in life. Emphasis on the word MORE, since I always say and think of myself as someone with a positive outlook in life. SO maybe I should try living up to what I believe in and what I stand up for. Kasi ayoko namang paradoxical na nga yung buhay ko, pati ba naman yung words and actions ko contradictory pa rin diba? 

Anyway, this post wasn't supposed to end this way. It wasn't even supposed to be about this, coz it was about something else (labo). Pero yun, I should know that life is FUN, EXCITING and CRAZY and it wouldn't be if it wasn't for all of these paradoxical things I complain about. So there. pointless entry na naman! 


Reminder for myself: Just be happy (like you always are). Be with funny yet good-hearted people. Lastly, just have FAITH! 


P.S. the homily today is about having FAITH. So appropriate, I love it!


Have a great MONDAY you guys! God bless you all!

there's a reason why you can't fight that feeling any longer...

and it's not love, i'm telling you. why on earth am I doing something I shouldn't be doing? Anyway, as much as I want to hate the world for all the sadness, frustrations, sufferings, occasional loneliness and all the craziness it brings, I still can't deny the fact that it also gives me all the best feelings in the world. It gives you the feeling of magic and happiness, that heart-stopping feeling of first loves, of what-ifs and what-nots. Aside from the feeling of unfailing laughtrips with family and friends, you also experience the pure love every single moment brings, every single day of this life. 

I want to feel inspired, to feel wonderful, to feel fine, but most of all, I want to feel perfect even though in reality, I'm just a simple, shallow and crazy hopeless-romantic waiting for her chance to experience all the magical feelings they say are true in fairy tale books... I want to be able to experience in my heart, mind and soul the very feeling Claire Danes' character, Yvaine felt in the movie, Stardust....

I could go on and on, but the time won't allow me anymore to... so to end this pointless entry, I would like to share this again and again and again. I've shared this on my previous blog and I will share it here to you again... my favorite line from one of my most favorite movies of all time....

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine. "

-Yvaine, Stardust, 2007

worst feeling ever...

You know what's the worst feeling ever? Having a full stomach that feels like food's at the level of your throat ready to be thrown up anytime.. That's exactly how i'm feeling right now. My roommate, Caks and I went to the famed Dapitan square to have dinner and we ended up buying extra servings of rice, kare-kare and steamed fish. I never thought I would end up almost not being able to stand up on both feet and almost close to fainting.

And as if that's not bad enough, I fought with one of my rlemates whom I've grown close with over the semester, again. I honestly didn't think it would hurt her that much that I have sort of and slightly dissed the show she was enthusiastically sharing with us this morning. I was probably being my insensitive self again said the wrong things carelessly. What's worse is that she overheard me telling off my seatmates rudely and jokingly as to why they were bullying me again. Thinking that it was her I was being rude at, she made a sooper scary comment. Anyway, I apologized before we parted ways. I'm not sure though if she accepted it. I wasn't really expecting her to be mad at me like this. It was yet another shallow thing to be this mad at a person, but then again, who am I to say this right? 

As much as I would want to dwell on it and be depressed again, I don't want to because I don't want to ruin my day because of just one person. There are way too many other things that I need to think about and if she doesn't forgive me, then it's her decision and I can't force her to forgive me if she doesn't want to. Besides, I am so tired of people being so awfully sensitive these past weeks. I am so tired of getting on people's nerves all the time. I am tired of accidentally being other people's bagsakan ng problema or init ng ulo though I can't blame them if we're all a bit pressured with all the schoolwork, not to mention the personal dilemmas and the THESIS that needs accomplishing before the semestral break. 

SO Lord, thank you for this day. Thank you for the FOOD we ate. thank you for the people I've hurt today. Without them, I wouldn't have learned another valuable lesson for today. Hopefully I become more sensitive to the people around me, even though they don't always do the same for me.... God bless us all.

lobotommeeeeeekk!

Earlier, I was checking out movie trailers like Unbreakable (M. Night Shyamalan), Unstoppable, Despicable Me, One flew over The Cuckoo's Nest etc. The last one yielded a related video documentary about the infamous lobotomist, Walter Freeman. 

Yes, you read that right. INFAMOUS. According to the documentary, he specialized on this procedure only after a week of mastering it. Walter's son elaborated that during the very first time the surgery was done, an icepick was inserted into the patient's eye socket and jammed with a hammer into the skull and wiggled into the patient's brain. The patients develop black eyes after the procedure.

I watched the whole thing and I learned that even Walter's co-surgeons passed out if they didn't threw up during the procedure. I was freaked out while watching the actual videos of his surgeries. It was so intense, I was covering a part of my eye during the latter part of the video. You can see it for yourself and learn about the wonderful world of Psychiatry!

Also, at the beginning of the video, you will see the nurse prepping the very first patient to undergo lobotomy under Dr. Walter and how she underwent ECT or Electroconvulsive Therapy (wherein they introduce around 70-100 volts of electricity into the patient's head to induce a therapeutic grand mal or tonic clonic seizure).

I got curious as to what the movie, One flew over the cuckoo's nest was all about since my groupmates watched the film on one duty day we missed because we had our own completion duty at Fabella Hospital. It was the last day of our NCMH affiliation duty and it was a film viewing day. 

Tomorrow will be the start of our last shift for this semester. I will be missing NCMH and our cab trips to Mandaluyong and the once-in-a-lifetime experience we had there. It was definitely a different learning experience for me and the rest of my groupmates. This last shift for the semester, my best friend, Nikki will be assigned to the same Pavilion we were assigned to (Acute ward). Hopefully she enjoys the experience as much as I did. 

P.S. This is the docu. just the sound of the background music gives me the creeps...